Accepting applications

I am currently accepting applications for a girlfriend.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
- Must be able to cheer me on at softball games even if I look like I'm playing drunk.

- Remind me of engagements up until the day of such engagement. I cannot be responsible for not showing up to something I don't remember.

- Laugh at least 80% of the time I make jokes even though I'm funny 100% of the time.

QUALIFICATIONS:
- You must be GAY. Years of experience isn't required, but the self label must be on your forehead.

- Must be able to, or have the aptitude to learn how to text message on a cell phone.

- Must be able to multi-task and keep up with my ADD brain.

- Strong written and oral communication skill, especially when referring to me and our relationship.

- Ability to play independently or in a group setting.

HOURS, RATE, BENEFITS:
- Hours are negotiable, but definitely not 24-7.

- Use of large screen tv and playstation if applicable.

- Generous vacation plan.

- Excellent benefits... in bed.

Please email with a cover letter and resume. No phone calls accepted.